Satire desk: Every article, quote, poll, source, committee, and emergency briefing on this page is invented for parody and fiction.

Politics

Documents Arrive Fully Redacted; The Redactions Are Complimentary

A long-pending records request comes back withheld in full under an exemption the office's own index defines as unsolicited favorable assessment.

By Marcus Webb 5 min read

Read the full invented report

A released government page covered in heavy black redaction bars with one unredacted word reading outstanding, stamped exemption b nine, unsolicited favorable assessment. — 312 pages withheld to avoid the appearance of promotion.

Top Dispatches

The Trump Looks Good Beat

A theater marquee billing the ceremonial scissors in huge gold letters, the ribbon underneath, and the word shovel printed almost too small to read, beside a stamp reading moved 1.4 cubic feet, disqualifying.

Infrastructure

Groundbreaking Shovel Files For Equal Billing After Scissors Get All The Coverage

A petition for equal billing collapses when the shovel is asked to produce evidence of its work, and does.

By Buck Ledger 3 min read

An oversized bound volume open to a table of contents listing a preface, two indexes, and a W-1 Euphemism Wing series, stamped 903 as of Friday lunch.

Media

OOPS LOG Adds Table Of Contents; Bob Callahan Says It Is Now A Reference Work

The media desk's corrections file crosses nine hundred entries and acquires the two things that separate a file from a reference work: page numbers, and an argument about page numbers.

By Bob Callahan 4 min read

Infrastructure

Ribbon Cutting Credits Trump For Scissors Looking Sharp

Buck Ledger reports that the ceremonial scissors performed no cutting and have never been better reviewed.

By Buck Ledger 3 min read

Campaigns

Sources Close To The Hat Deny Hat Is Running The Campaign

The denial is sourced to a hook, a shelf, and a mirror; the hat itself maintains disciplined silence.

By Trent Wirecopy 3 min read

A gold-bordered certificate of completion awarded to the vibes for a forty minute online module, issued by the vibes, beside a red stamp reading not peer reviewed.

Polling

We Regret Calling The Vibes Scientifically Peer Reviewed

Marjorie Datapoint corrects the record after the vibes' methodology turns out to be forty minutes long and self-issued.

By Marjorie Datapoint 3 min read

An X-ray showing a politician silhouette with a glowing new spine beside a rising poll chart, stamped spine detected with onset one news cycle ago.

Politics

Spine Index Quarterly: Three Officials Develop Vertebrae After Poll Shifts; June Verifies Equipment Twice

The Spine Desk's quarterly screening detects ossification in three officials, each onset correlating precisely with district polling shifts.

By June Hardaway 5 min read

Morning Briefing

What To Pretend To Know Today

Marcus Webb's fourteen-month records request came back in full and entirely black. Four things survived the bars: the page numbers, a date range, the word outstanding on page 118, and a footnote reading see above. The appeal is docketed and the office has ninety days.
Bob Callahan has given the OOPS LOG a table of contents, two indexes, and a numbering series for the Euphemism Wing, which is still admitting entries. The count stood at 903 as of Friday lunch, and Bob asks that it be described as of Friday lunch.
The newsroom has confirmed every story is invented for parody and should not be confused with actual reporting.
The masthead now keeps a byline trail for every fictional staffer, because the archive should not require a detective.

Fake News Ratings

Politics: Fully Redacted, Fully Positive
Infrastructure: Mostly Tremendous
Media: Indexed By Regret

Opinion Desk

Arguments With Impressive Posture

A cable television at the center of a circular diagram cycling through claim, defense, revision, and amnesia.

Opinion

Stories We Pretended To Break

$A chalkboard reading seven times eight equals fifty-four above a banner reading federally protected answer, while a graded card reading fifty-six is stamped denied.$ Science